Home, For Now

I'm not really sure how I got here. I still feel like I should be back on campus, celebrating syllabus week and unpacking in Mills. Somehow I snuck in here, though - to all the meetings in Murkland and Huddleston; sent in my dozens of passport pictures; boarded a plane and flew in a direction I've never been before. There is space for me in this apartment, though, and my name is on the attendance list for classes. Maybe I'm actually supposed to be here.

But then I see this out the window, and I feel like I must be dreaming again. This city is unbelievable - every piece of it feels historic. Our street, Benczur Utca, is lined with trees. The buildings rise up on either side, not overpowering or industrial like cities back home. There's more of an art to it here. Stone ledges and wrought-iron balconies decorate even the simplest buildings. Statues dot the street squares. And this is home to me, at least for the next four months.

Words can barely explain how this feels - I can't even rationalize it to myself. All I want is to explore every corner of this place. I want to see the city all in lights, I want to see it in the morning when the sun is coming up, I want to see it when the snow comes down. I want to stumble through conversations with the few Hungarian words I know, maybe even learn a few more along the way. I want to walk all the way home from the other side of the river at night - wait, we already did that.

Most of all, though, I want to all be able to experience this together. Not to get all end-of-the-semester-speech on everyone, but I am already glad I've met all of you, JSBP. Listening to everyone in class today, I can't help but be a little intimidated. Everyone's ideas are so well constructed and thought-provoking. I've always been able to put my thoughts down on paper, but anytime I have to voice them, I stumble. My hands shake, my voice breaks. Even if I'm confident in exactly what I want to say, it still comes out like I'm four years old in a room full of college students. It's an anxiety that's stuck with me through everything - and I hate it. This semester, while others are facing their fears of getting lost or learning the language, I'll be facing a fear that I've brought from home. I hope that in this sort of life - learning both inside and outside of the classroom with the same ten students - I will finally be brave enough to get over this.

Here goes nothing...